Thursday, October 23, 2008

Feeling inadequate

Today my baby is 4 weeks old. Where has this past month gone? I've found myself pondering a lot today and decided I needed to blog in hopes of getting some advice and maybe feeling like I wasn't alone on this. Do you ever feel inadequate? Last night was pretty rough. Tagg was in Arco all day and was only home for about an hour and a half before he left for his Basketball Game. I decided to stay home with Londyn since she had just fallen asleep when Tagg was getting ready to leave. Good thing I stayed home because not 20 minutes after Tagg left, the screaming began. Ususally she is a little fussy from 8:30 to 10:00 p.m., so I wasn't too surprised. But when she wouldn't nurse, wouldn't sleep, wouldn't cuddle, wouldn't bouce with me, all she did was scream bloody murder, I didn't know what to do! Tagg finally called to let me know he was on his way home, an hour and a half later, and I was tears and at my breaking point! I yelled at him and told him that he was selfish for leaving his wife and baby to go play basketball after only seeing us for a few hours the whole day! I feel bad for saying that to him now, but at the time, I was so mad that he wasn't there to help me...just to give me a break...and give Londyn a break. So, Tagg hurried home and wouldn't ya know it...Londyn fell sound asleep the second that garage door opened. You'd think I'd be relieved right? Nope. I then felt that Tagg probably thought I was crazy. And I, of course, gave him the cold shoulder, then let him know again what I thought about him leaving us. I felt so inadequate as a wife and mom! How could I be a mom that didn't know how to comfort her own baby? Why did I blame Tagg? I've thought that maybe I should go back to work instead of being at home, so she can have a break from me...but I couldn't bare the thought of someone else raising her! Nobody else would love her like I do! So, I've found myself on my knees, more in the last month than ever before. It's a lot harder being a mom than I ever thought, but so totally worth it. How do you other mom's make it look so easy? Your kids love you, your husband doesn't think your crazy, your houses are always clean, and dinner is always ready, how do you do it??? Luckily today was a better day. Tagg couldn't go to Arco today since the parts weren't in, so he was able to spend most of the day with Londyn and me. Thank heavens for new days...I had a new day to be a better wife and mom.

How can you not love this baby? Screaming or not, (preferrable not), Londyn...I LOVE YOU!!

14 comments:

Hills said...

YOU ARE NORMAL! I feel that way alot but once people are around or i am out and about I like to make it look like I have it all under control! Its hard! Sometime Painter will just throw fits all day and there is nothing I can do to fix it! And I still dont know why Clark picked me! But it works! My house is not always clean but before people come over I tidy up really fast, i throw it all in a toy box or tub and put it in a room!!(dont tell anyone!) YOU are a great mom and wife! And your husband and daughter would agree! Just keep praying and You will be Fine! Its normal to have 'those' days! Hang in there!

The Wood Family said...

Darci!!! I so remember days like that and yet I still have them. And from what I here they will just keep on a coming! It sounds like you are doing the best thing for the problem, the Lord is Always there to help us. And like the other person (hills) said the house doesn't always get cleaned, dinner doesn't get done at the same time and the laundry never ends. Just remember that Heavenly Father loves and trusts you with your little angel. Just make sure you and your husband still get out, I know it's hard but you need to, get out without your little one. Even if it is just for an hour. I found that it helped. Sorry about the novel! Your daughter is very cute!

Mark&Noelle Taylor Family said...

now that you have had your moment of pain the lord knows you are ready to take on the world. don't go back to work just go out for fun and let that CUTE baby stay with dad and scream remember that he need to find out how to take care of her too just like you do. He will get frustrated and let him and he will get a tast of what you feel all day everyday. It really gets better I promis and don't worry about cleaning this is the time in your life that your house will be messy you will have plenty of time to clean when she is GONE. It's funny my son would throw fits all day and I would just put him down before I threw him down(I would never) and he was so happy he just wanted some alone time sad that I couldn't do anything but he himself wanted to just be left a lone for a minuet and he was happy sometimes babies have so much energy but because they can't run or play they have to get the energy out by crying so when she is crying for no reason and there is nothing you can do just let her get her energy out and grin and bare it. good luck you look like a cute little mom. and when you are clam tell your hubby that you will probably get mad at him again but you are new at this and you need help so tell him to grin and bare it. then after you can bare it enjoy it. after I had my first I beat MArk in the middle of the night,after trying to wake him for hours, so bad he just had to hold me tight so I would calm down I would have been calm if he would help me and the baby would stop screaming so tell your hubby he got off easy.

NancyT said...

Oh Darc- We all feel that way. I feel like it is because you haven't slept in a month. It is amazing how much you do need at least 6 hours of CONTINUIOUS sleep. And, it is hard when all of a sudden you are the holder, cuddler, milk wagon, cleaner, cooker, and everything else all rolled into one. This too will pass- too quickly and you will forget this stage and be onto the next... like when will my 10 month old crawl when "blanks" kids was crawling at 6 months. (Yeah- that happened to me) It just gets better. I have noticed that I am always looking at the greener side of the fence when I need to appreciate my side of the fence. I hope that this helps you. Good luck!

Ashley Robinson said...

I love everyone's comments because it is soooo true! There are always going to be bad days, and they seem like they will never end but there is always a light at the end of the tunnell!! But i have realized that you need to enjoy every moment whether it is good or bad because before you know it you will have two! Sometimes I feel like I didn't cherish my time when Peyton was a baby because I was always thinking "I just want a nap!" But now that I know there is a light at the end of the tunnell and they WILL sleep through the night and things DO get easier that I am enjoying Bentley a lot more. So I kind of feel bad for Peyton when I look back on it. (not that he will ever remember his mother being a basket case but still...) Anyway, I promise that you are normal and that things will get easier but I have found that it does help to get out of the house, I get cabin fever and you just feel rejuvinated afterwards. Give me a call if you need to talk!

The Schooley's said...

Darci, I still feel inadequate on most days. Especially the days my eye won't stop twitching!! I have just gotten good at hiding it I guess. Like you, there is always tomorrow & like you said, you just start over! Oh, & if you could see my house right now, you would tell me to get a move on the whole cleaning thing. Can we saw ew to the bathrooms?? Ok, my bathroom?? You are a super mom & don't forget that. I can't say it gets easier, you just get used to things & then they are different. But like you said, oh sooooo worth it. Remember my saying, "raising kids is like being pecked to death by a chicken". (it is just to make you laugh) Love you!!

Erin and Eric said...

Strap her in her carseat and put her on the dryer next time she cries like that. The warmth and rocking help comfort babies for some reason. Sounds so weird, I know. It works though.

Tyler and ShaeLee May said...

Hey Darci, hate those days. My little girl Andee cried every night from about 4 weeks to 12 weeks from 6pm to 10pm. Couldn't eat, sleep, usually she had a tummy ache and had to burp or had really bad gas. Just in case it's those things you should try mylicon. Life saver. Other than that in order to keep from hurting her, which you could possibly get to that point, put her in her crib and let her cry. She's going to cry anyways right? Go watch t.v. or listen to music for a few minutes to relax. Then go at it again. This really fussy stage is completely normal, just give it a little time. And if you're nursing, maybe watch the dairy. My kids were really sensitive to lactose and had a really hard time digesting it. So maybe be careful of what you eat. And best of all, she and tagg will survive! For me, the first three months were the hardest. Just know you're doing great and know this fussy time will pass. And tell Tagg to quit playing basketball and take care of you :)!!! He can sacrifice, too! Good luck! It will get better and easier!

lrix said...

Thanks for coming over today. Londyn is beautiful and you sure had me fooled. You look like you have everything down just fine. You could just see her relax when she was back in your arms. I still lose my mind with my kids and it has been almost eight years. Just remember that they go through phases and "this too shall pass". Take it day by day. I find myself frustrated with Scott sometimes too because you feel like they have no idea what you have been through. Tagg will learn that you rely on him a lot more now. You are a wonderful wife and mother and don't ever forget it. You guys have prepared a long time for this and the Lord would not have blessed you with her sweet spirit if you weren't capable of taking care of her. Call me whenever you feel insane and remember I will always be glad to help. PS, invest in an ipod or something so that when you leave her crying in her crib you won't hear her. (it is almost impossible to bear) Just watch the clock and give her ten minutes and then check on her over and over. Eventually her crying spells will be less and less and she will learn how to self soothe which is the best thing you can teach her. Good luck, you are doing great!

The Mortensens said...

Darci I am so sorry that you are going through this. My baby is doing the same thing but usually only at nights. I know how hard it is when your husband is gone. Matt is in Puerto Rico until December and I cry every night after my kids are finally in bed because I feel like I am the worst mother ever. But like everyone said just put your baby down and walk away, go outside get some fresh air and get yourself put back together and then go back and get your baby. A lot of times babys can feel the stress of the mom and it stresses them out too. It does get better and soon enough you won't even remember these days. babies are definently hard and you probably make it look easy to other moms. I bet you are a really good mom and wife. Everybodies husband probably gets a ear full every now and then. So don't feel bad about that. If you need a break let me know we could hang out I am home all day everyday. Good Luck.

The Mortensens said...

I live in Idaho Falls but I am staying at my parents house while Matt is out of town. SO anytime you come to your parents let me know. We can get together and catch up, go to lunch or something.

Amanda and Enoch Bowler said...

Even though being a mom is really hard and is a full time job with no overtime pay, it's so rewarding. I know my baby will scream and fuss and make me want to pull my hair out, but at the end of the day while you are watching them sleep, I can only imagaine the immense amount of love in your heart. You're a great mommy!!! Pray for the Lord's help and he'll give you comfort. I have to and I don't even have kids yet! I feel like my husband is enough of a kid sometimes. Your hubby loves you, your daughter loves you, they both need you more than they can say, especially Londyn. I'll be coming to you for advice I can guarentee it!!

Dan & Brooke said...

Darc! I can totally see where you are coming from! I thought we had it all under control because our baby was sleeping and eating well...Then I forgot all my bad habbits of eating hot, spicy foods. Not just once, twice...no three times I have done this. My baby wouldnt stop screaming, wouldnt eat for about 8 hours, and also couldnt be comforted. I felt so horrible, I just cried. So I know how you feel! Can you believe how fast the time has gone. Man, we just saw you in the hospital with our babies...Wow! By the way those pictures are so adorable!

sharpfamiy said...

That is so hard sometimes. I remember just a few months ago, my little Katelyn would scream every time she wasn't being held, day or night. I couln't put her down to make dinner, go the bathroom, or help my other two little girls. I was almost crazy every day by the time Jared came home and gave me a break. But about 7 or 8 weeks into it, she just stopped and turned into this beautiful, happy, smiling baby. I didn't think I would make it, but we did. Please let me know if you ever need a break. I'd love to watch her. Good luck! Heather