Monday, February 20, 2012

Blessed, but frustrated

Okay, so here's another reason that I'm back to blogging. I need an outlet! My poor hubby is probably beyond tired of hearing me complain, vent, and cry! I have been re-reading my posts/journal about getting pregnant with Londyn and it has left me with a lot of mixed emotions. I am, again, wanting a baby so badly it hurts! I'm digging myself into a hole where I don't want to come out. I have been getting some pretty outrageous comments lately or hearing of some that have been said about me and even though I tell myself that it doesn't matter, it hurts. I have realized that people aren't intentionally trying to hurt me or others going through infertility, instead they are simply ignorant. They don't know what it's like, even though they claim to know. If you got pregnant in months with NO fertility treatments, I'm sorry but, no...you don't know what I'm going through! Sure you may have some of the same feelings, but have you spent hundreds or thousands of dollars on Dr. appts, tests, ovulation kits, ultra sounds, shots etc.??? Do you have to remember to take your fertility pill on days 3-7 of your cycle? Then, remember to do your ovulation predictor kit which is super frustrating because it looks just like a freaking pregnancy test! Not only do you have to pee on the dang stick, but you want those two blue lines to tell you that you're ovulating. But not just any two lines, the one line has to be darker than the first line. Otherwise, you still haven't detected it. So, you have to continue for another day or two or three till you get a positive. It plays with your mind!! I get excited when I get two lines, but then remind myself that this isn't a pregnancy test!! And what about the humiliation of going through each round of IUI??? Not for just me, but for my husband??? Tagg is one amazing man! I don't know too many guys that would keep doing this!! So...if one more person tells me to relax, it'll happen when ya least expect it, I may just flick your mouth. Not really, but I may want to!! I read this fabulous artice, it said that relaxation may work for some couples. But, if you have tried for a year with no luck of getting pregnant, then relaxation is not what you need. You probably need fertility treatment and relaxation is NOT a medical cure!! So please, don't tell me to go on a vacation and relax!! It took 7 rounds of IUI to get Londyn. We just completed round 7 for baby #2...and now we wait to see if it worked. I'm not saying all of this for sympathy. I am not shy at all about talking about our journey with this, but I do hope that people will be more sensitive. There are so many people that have contacted me from my frustrated facebook posts, that I feel blessed to know that they feel like they can talk to me. It's nice to know that we're not alone and not the only one going through this!! A couple weeks ago, Londyn (my 3 year old daughter) came home from church asking where her brother and sister are. Apparently, they had learned about families in class and it broke my heart!! She is the only one in her class that doesn't have a sibling! She is going to make a fabulous sister one day! We hope that we will be able to have another child. I long to be pregnant again, for the miracle that it brings!! I long to have a newborn in our home again, to see my sweet Londyn with her brother or sister. I am very blessed. I have a beautiful, healthy daughter and a wonderful, loving, supportive husband. I am very thankful that I was able to experience motherhood at least once, it truly is a blessing in my life! I just have to say that I am frustrated. I am frustrated that we're going through this again. I'm mad. I have no control over this. It is what it is, I cannot change it, but I can accept it. It's hard, it's a rollercoaster, but it's my trial and I can do hard things....

10 comments:

heidi said...

It's good to have an outlet to vent frustrations and Amen to what you wrote. I hate when people say "It will happen" because in your mind you know it isn't happening and it isn't that easy. It is so easy for me to feel like a failure because I only have 2 kids and am surrounded by those who have 5 or 6 in a family. I am starting to try some essential oils and am hoping it will help me. You have a beautiful daughter and you guys are great parents.

lrix said...

You deserve it! I pray for you and love you girl. Remember you can always call or email me to vent anytime. Kudos to you and Tagg for continuing to try. You can do hard things!

Shauna Galloway said...

Reading this make me cry, I want to hope in the car right now and come and give you a hug. There is nothing worse then infertility and pain it brings with it. For everyone it is a little different but I agree with you 100%, if you have never had to go through it then you really have no clue the hell it is. It is amazing the things people say too, the one that always got me is it will happen when its suppose to happen, or this is God's plan. I am wishing you the best, my fingers are crossed that 7 is lucky again for you guys. If you need anything or just need to vent know that I am here for you. Love you like crazy girl!

alicia.king said...

it's such a hard, sensitive, emotional topic...and people are rude and ignorant! i am glad that you have your little londyn and hope that she will have a sibling soon! good luck girlie!

angie said...

You CAN do hard things. I am so sorry. I am sure I am one of those people who says something stupid, and doesn't realize what it means. So I apologize for anything crazy that has come out of my mouth, or out of my keyboard for that matter ;) Good luck girl! I have all my fingers and toes crossed for you guys!

Melonie Harris said...

Oh Girl I Love ya!!! I wish I had the magic cure or answer for you!!! All I can say is that Your amazing and your in our prayers every night!!! Hang in there!! I just live right next door so come over and vent!! I also can make you cookies whenever you want! :)

Laureena said...

Darci, my heart hurts for you right now. I understand, all too well, the hurt people can inflict when they open their mouths without thinking. (I was informed a few sundays ago that I couldn't sit on the back row in RS, because "you don't have a baby." Aaahhh!)I also know how deeply it hurts to watch your child grow without siblings despite your best efforts to provide them. Wyatt just turned 5, and he's constantly asking for a baby or "just someone to play with." It is gut-wrenching. No one has the answers for you, and there's no band-aid to slap on it. We each have to find our own way through it. But, I do believe that our Heavenly Father can and will hold our hand through it, providing a balm for our hurt as no one else can. It doesn't make it magically better, and you still have to face it everyday. BUT, it helps me to know that HE sees my pain perfectly... so I can cry to him without having to explain. I really do wish we lived closer... it seems there is a lot we share and could support each other through (LE wifehood, infertility, etc.).
Oh, and btw, I think you SHOULD flick people in the face for their rude comments! And if you're uncomfortable with that, use a REALLY flippant retort to put them in their place! I'll loan you a few of mine! :)

Clay and Jessica Brown said...

You don't know me, but you know a lot of people that used to be in my ward in Chubbuck before we moved to SC. I have found that most people say things with good intentions and honestly they don't know that they are saying something offensive because they haven't gone through it themselves.
Trying for a few years before having 2 miscarriages (people are also very insensitive about this as well) before being able to have my son after being married for 6 years before we got pregnant with him, we got a lot of comments about kids and pregnancy and sex for that matter.
There are some people out there that only have to think about getting pregnant and it happens--for many others it takes alot of effort and it is very frustrating. I often think that at times it is harder on the woman than the man because of the bond that you develop by carrying a baby. I know at times my husband was tired of hearing me complain, cry, etc... over the same thing for the upteenth time. If you ever need to vent without judgement...go ahead and e-mail me. I will add you as a friend of facebook too. my e-mail is allstar.j8atgmail
You can do hard things! :D

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